skin and bones.

I haven't blogged in a while. In that period of time I haven't blogged, I got off track. I ate anything I wanted to eat, whenever I wanted to eat it. And with bad intake, there's always a bad outcome - our school makes us weigh ourselves in front of the whole class. Height and weight both. I'm absolutely sure I'll have a mental breakdown if I'm made to stand on that scale and watch the red numbers flash - I'd probably cry or faint or something worse. So I asked my mom to call the teacher for me, saying that this is a sensitive subject and she'd rather I just not weigh myself. However, I still had to, so I weighed myself today instead of tomorrow in front of the whole class. Want to know how much I weight?

52.2 kg.

115 lbs.

I'm only 5'.

That makes my BMI 22.5.

I can't believe I've gained seven pounds. Seven. In the time span of five months, I've gained seven pounds. That's 7/5 pounds a month. I can't even.

So from now on, I'm going to start my diet again. No sugar. No tapioca drinks. No eating after nine pm (the only reason it's not six pm is that I have cram school to go to, thus not letting me eat then). No bread. No chocolate. No random snacks. I can do it.

xoxo.

forever the same.

You know the feeling when you're hungry, and you tell yourself you like it? But the bad food devil in your head is screaming - "You're hungry! You're hungry! Refuel! Right now!". So you kind of like the feeling of being hungry, of knowing that you only ate, or rather haven't ate, as much as you needed to, but at the same time you have this unbelievable craving for food? Yeah, that's happening to me. Right now.

I only had three apples today... one apple is 62 cal, that's a total of 186 cal. I saw that my friend picked out her five small slices of cucumber from her lunch today, so I ate those for her.. I'm just guessing they are 14 cal. It was five small slices, seriously. So the total for today would be approx. 200 cal. I call that.. good. I have to weigh myself, too.

108 lbs.

stay skinny, loves.
weightless.

hush, hush.

I just weighed myself on the brand newww electronic scale. I love it. I didn't eat since I woke up, which was four hours ago, and I got 48.8 kg, which is 107.5 lbs. I don't know if I should be happy or not, since I did well.. not eat, but now I'm scared to eat (my mom's taking me out to eat today) in case it goes back up again. I hope not, seriously..

So. I just came back from eating. It was a buffet kind of place? >.<. Instead of the steak that I would've got (it was a steak restaurant, with an all you can eat salad bar), I got grilled chicken. I cut two thirds of it for my mom, in exchange for a quarter of steak. Deal! I peeled the skin off, because.. just, ew. There was a sunny side up and noodles along with the chicken. Ate like, half of the noodles with the sunny side up. Then, for the salad bars... oh joy. Had two small bowls of salad with thousand island dressing (meh, meh, meh. hush.), and another bowl of alfalfa sprouts and onions with A1 sauce (17 calories... say hi to my new dressing). Which would seem fine, right? I just had to pig out. There were small rectangles of toast, so I ate three small rectangles of it. With the sauce. One strawberry, one custard, one garlic. Gah, gah, gah! And I had bowl after bowl (four, in total) of popcorn and ice cream. I'm going to calculate today's calories, the whole meal, into 1500 cal. Which is already nice to my sanity...

Thank god I took six kelp pills. Someone told me they were placebos. Any confirmations on this?

dreading tomorrow ,

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Tomorrow is crap day (also known as the day where we weigh ourselves) and I pigged out today. Dammit! I had a tuna sandwich for breakfast, some rice for lunch, a little bit of bread as a snack, and when I came home, full blown dinner. And cookies. I just weighed myself on the new scale, and it came up as (can you believe it?!) 111.4 lbs. I think I'm going to puke just thinking about the fat on my body. I have decided, since I saw 111.4 flashing up at me, that I'm going to fast tomorrow, until the crap hour. Which is the last period. Which means.. 7 hours of fasting? Hell, I can take it. I think the most I'll do is eat an apple in the morning and an apple in the afternoon. I don't want to eat, I don't want to eat...

not so day six.

Didn't finish the diet. I just couldn't see another bowl of cabbage soup eye to eye. I felt like I would rather vomit than eat it. So... I stopped the diet. And ate a bunch of carbs just now. Not going to lie, I love carbs. So much, so much, so much. I missed it so much. I don't feel disgusting just now, because I know that after being on a low carb diet for almost a week, I need a few days of normal eating to break the plateau I'm in. I'm still at 48 kg. At least I dropped 1 kg, right? All I have to do is drop one more in the two day apple diet... just one more.

two day diet experiment.

I don't know what to call this diet, but I'll think of something to call it if it actually works. Honestly, I don't know if it will. I'm just using this after my cabbage diet and the bbq to maintain my weight, or lose some of it, before the dreadful day - the day we weigh ourselves in front of the whole class.

Day One-

Breakfast ,
1 apple - 65 cal.

Snack ,
1 apple - 65 cal.

Lunch ,
1 celery + garlic, 16 cal.
1 apple - 65 cal.

Snack ,
1 apple - 65 cal.

Dinner ,
1 skinless grilled chicken breast, 120 cal.
1 apple - 65 cal.

Calorie total: 461 cal.

Day Two-

Breakfast ,
1 apple - 65 cal.

Snack ,
1 apple - 65 cal.

Lunch ,
1 skinless grilled chicken breast, 120 cal.
1 apple - 65 cal.

Dinner ,
1 serving (56g) edamame beans - 85 cal.

Snack ,
3 cups plain popcorn - 23 cal.

Calorie total: 423 cal.

day five.

Okay, day five. Beef and tomatoes day. You have no idea how I looked forward to this day, you know? Beef! Finally! After four days of no meat, this is the first time I got to eat beef. Drank the cabbage soup in the morning, then when I got to 7-11, I just had to get a boiled tea egg. I figured it was protein day, why not? I drank at least 1000g of water in school today, and probably 650g of green tea too. Cabbage soup for lunch, again. The meal I was looking forward to most was dinner. My mom made beef and tomato stew, with only a little soya sauce, beef, and tomatoes. It was delicious, and I had 2 bowls. I drank 1000g of water with it too, to drain out the urinic acid.

So, my friends found out about the CSD. Basically, they just keep saying "You're not really fat!" and stuff like that. Which doesn't help, actually. Let's analyze what they said. "You're not really fat." rather than "You're not fat." You see the really word? It means: I am fat, just not overweight. Heck yes, I know that! That's why I'm getting the fat down, jeebus. The English teacher gave me a pack of gummies, and I being on diet, gave them to my friends. I watched them devour the gummies, and seriously, it looked so promising. One of them, knowing that I was on a diet (thank you big mouths.), told me to eat a piece. Then, the 'leader' of our group, said that it wouldn't hurt. Or something. So I took one. I took a small bite, barely, then stuck the rest into my other friend's mouth. Then I spat out the small bite I took. I just couldn't break my diet if I wanted to.

Weighed myself in the morning: 48.5 kg. When I came home, I weighed myself too: 48 kg. Improvement? I hope.